Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
