It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
home. puking in laundry basket.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Randomize
