Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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