Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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