I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
