I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
