I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
