I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
