A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
