so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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