he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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