I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
