I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
