I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
