I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
