My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
