Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
