Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
