I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
