fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
