Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
