wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
