he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
