I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
