There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
