Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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