Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Randomize
