Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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