Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
