saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize