I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
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