i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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