Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
