i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize