the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
