You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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