it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
