Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
