New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
