Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize