she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Oh god it's open bar.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize