How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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