Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
