im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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