Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
