I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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