no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
