What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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