I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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