I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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