if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
