apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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