after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
