i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
