So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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