walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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