living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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