If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
