so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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