He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
