watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
